I can feel it behind my ears
dancing quietly and then
louder
wanting me to notice
It settles into a pattern
a drumbeat that lives inside my head until
I can't hear the other things
I argue with the noise
tell it to quiet down and leave
me alone
It's just life
and life is what it is
and I don't need the constant banging
pestering me to listen
It tells me all the stories that are not yet true
times when you are not okay
overburdened and overwhelmed, sad or scared
or lonely
It tells me those stories and I shut my eyes, but
mirages dance behind my lids
anyway
The drumbeat wakes me early in the morning
the alarm about to go off, but not quite
and I want to fade off for those precious minutes
but it's loud and you are there and I try to count the blessings, but
the good things are hard to see
with all the other things
cluttering my head
I feel like there will be a tomorrow
when your future is known and
the drumbeat can stop and rest
when I can see your path and the people who
will love you when I'm gone
and the people you will love
too
But that tomorrow seems to drift away with
the wind and
I am always reaching for it
looking for a way to catch it
it's silk between my fingers and it slips away
popping this way and that
and I cannot grip it
Then I stop trying quite so hard so
my brain can take a rest and
my heart too because it needs it
even more
The drumbeat fades a little then
and I blink to see the good
and to remember how hard it was to be young
Sometimes my eyes leak a little and
the drumbeat knows then that it made
its bloody point
and sometimes it even stops then
and I feel myself open so that
I can breathe
and so can you
© 2022 Shirley Hay