You came to me once in that apartment on Wardlaw
it was a few months after you left, not quite a year
it's hard to remember it now
your voice was quiet and still and
it fluttered wildly like the moths around our kitchen bulb
but still it danced in the waves of my perception -
so I listened
I was too young for your visit then
too immature and stupid and naive
I didn't understand what you were saying to me
still so self-absorbed and ignorant and
young
but I tried to be older, for you
I had to be anyway
You told me to be still and quiet and your voice was soothing
in that way that I remembered
you came to slay my monsters, even though
you didn't know about all of them when you left
I had never let you use your sword for me before
it seemed so dull and you seemed too tired
to do anything more for me
You had your own monsters to battle all those years
I didn't understand them and I didn't ask you
I didn't want to know
it was all too much and it made me want to scream and throw myself
on my bed and cry because there were too many things that
were hard
for all of us
But then you came to visit me in that apartment on Wardlaw
it was three in the morning and my mind was still foggy
I sat on the porcelein to think, trying to understand what you
were trying to say
the world was loud and quiet in that moment
and then I felt you behind my breastbone
like cocoa from the silver pot on the old green stove
Sometimes I'm scared that I will leave too
like you left
so I try to sharpen my sword for them
in case they need me
like I needed you
in case I need to pay them
a visit
© 2022 Shirley Hay